I Believe Dreams Bring Powerful Messages To Our Waking Life
The first night without Joe was beyond anything I could ever comprehend. Nothing made sense anymore. Life had no purpose without my son. Joe was my center. What am I suppose to do now? How do I keep on living without one of my children, my only son?
I was furious with everybody, even God. My sister told me I woke up from a deep sleep screaming and sobbing the first several nights; I repeatedly said, “I should have never named him Joseph!” (My dad’s name was Joseph (Joe), and from the moment I was a little girl, I always knew someday my first son would be a Joseph just like my dad. My dad was only 35 when he died, and I was 3 months old. He died upon impact in a tragic car accident on the I-5 on October 26, 1963.)
I was angry at everybody in my family who had passed away. My father, mother, eldest sister Suzanne, because they now all get to be with my son. I couldn’t understand why God would take my only son? My mind started to spin in circles as I tried to figure out the “why” questions. There are millions of bad people in this world, yet he took my baby boy. Why Joe? I lost myself, my thoughts were no longer mine, and slowly I started spiraling downward into a deep abyss of “grief.”
The first night of this horrible thing happening, I had a dream about Joe. It would be the first of many. I was at my mom’s house (which is now my brother’s home. He moved in after mom died in 2008). I sat in the kitchen, gazing at the backyard thru the screen door. I found myself reflecting on the past and remembering all the happy and beautiful memories I had as a child. Then, taking my family to my mom’s a lot, to create their own happy memories, too.
As I was looking outside to the backyard, I noticed a shadow walking towards the house. I thought it must be someone from the neighborhood coming by to give condolences. My eyes blinked several times; I thought I was hallucinating and stood up from my chair, walked over to the screen door shouting, hello? Who’s out there? Then, I heard a voice saying, “mom, it’s me, Joe.”
He put his arms out to hug me, and I tightly wrapped myself around him. Massive tears prevented me from speaking; but, I somehow managed to get a few words out, “Son, I love you. What am I going to do without you, Joe?” As I’m looking straight into his eyes, I notice they begin to fill up with tears, and he tells me, “mom, I’m sorry. It was an accident. I love you so much. I will always be right here. I love you, mom.” My lifeless body remained in his arms; I didn’t want to let him go. God, please let me stay with my son. I told him I forgive you and I love you too. We held on to one another for as long as we could; it was the most serene moment I’ve ever experienced. Calmness came thru me and a warmth I cannot describe. My eyes opened and suddenly, I was awake.
I believe my dream was a message of faith sent to me from a spirit larger than life itself. The other part of me knew if I could still communicate with Joe thru my dreams, then I may be able to survive this treacherous journey I’m now living. I had to find my way back to my faith. There was no possible way to do this by myself, and without a doubt, I believe God heard my prayers. He gave me one more minute with my son to say goodbye.
It was the beginning of many dreams to come, and it was at that moment I began living in two worlds for a while; one with Joe in my dreams and one living in a world of reality. If it was the only way to survive this uninvited dark journey, then so be it. I’ll take it.
I took this picture yesterday, clouds tell a story for me. It wasn’t until today I noticed the light beam coming from the clouds straight to the front of our home.